*People say a weight loss journey is more mental than physical. I’ve had a few of these posts, but I’d like to have a very open conversation into the negative mentality that can often plague me.*
Oh hello! My name is David. I write in a blog sometimes, but have been slacking a lot lately. My Instagram and Facebook have been pretty consistent though! A lot has happened in the almost 3 months since my last post: participated in the Sundowner 5k, been pretty consistent with training, and did the Bucktown 5k again today!
I’ll (hopefully) write another post catching up with everything soon, but I’d like to start with recapping today’s race, plus some things that’s been on my mind since. I came to the realization that I’m far too mean to myself mentally. That mindset has helped get me to where I am, but I strongly feel that it’s also preventing me from being where I want to be.
Bucktown 5k #2
First, I’d like to recap today’s race!
Two years later, I have returned to the site of my very first 5k! I like this race a lot, the community really gets involved. A little girl yelled “free high-fives!” and gave me one while I passed. I ended with a time of 47:51, which turns out to be my 2nd best 5k time in a race setting!
Here’s the ranking
- Chicago Bears 2017 – 46:16
- Bucktown 2017 – 47:51
- Hot Chocolate 2016 – 48:18
- Bucktown 2015 – 48:22
- Sundowner 2017 – 49:36
- Chicago Bears 2016 – 50:50
One benefit of being slow is I’m pretty much the only one still jogging when I cross the line, so we’re spread out. So that means you finish alone. In this case, having the announcer look up the bib number and call out my name when crossing the finish line was pretty cool!
I also experimented with running without music. My last training session the headphones lost bluetooth connection and I ran most without music and it was not too bad. Might experiment more with no music and see how I do without songs to distract from the pain of running!
If you took out the clock, I’m pretty satisfied with my performance. I only took one small walk break, and I feel like I was able to mentally push through a lot more than I’ve been able to do in the past.
But that same reason is why I walked out of there so frustrated.
Training Breakdown
My training for this race was pretty consistent, and I was getting some good times.
- 3.26 Miles in 48:07: Splits 15:03, 15:09, 14:07
- 3.06 Miles in 46:05: Splits 15:07, 14:59, 15:02
- 3.05 Miles in 44:38: splits 14:52, 14:26, 14:22
- 3.1 Miles in 45:09: splits 14:09, 14:36, 15:14
So my pace seemed consistent, and I knew my fault so far in these races is I get wrapped up in the moment and go too fast and run out of gas. So this time I decided to put on the blinders and stick to my own game and pace.
Looking at my splits from today my first mile was 15:11, second 15:21, and last 1.1 mile was 15:24.
Even more surprising, after most of those training runs, I felt great afterward. Like I could keep going. However, today I was absolutely spent afterward. I actually got a little light headed at first, even looked for a place to sit while walking around/cooling off in case I got a dizzy spell. Luckily, with deep breathing and chowing on a banana and chocolate milk I felt better soon thereafter.
Even while writing this, I’m much more sore now than I was after any of the above training sessions.
Guess today wasn’t my day. The fact that it shot up to high 70s with high humidity didn’t help, and perhaps my size and (lack of) physical shape, it may affect me more than skinnier people.
So, as I said before, if you took away the clock, I’m satisfied with the run. I pushed myself, I’m feeling sore, but good now. Even though I’ve been doing these for 3 years, I appreciate my ability to run 3 miles when I was never able to run a single mile the previous 33 years.
So, why was I so pissed off and kind of emotional on the drive home?
Negative Mentality
I’m proud of my accomplishment today, I really am. In just two years I’ve managed to complete SEVEN 5k races, and today was my second best!
But even knowing and acknowledging that, I have these negative thoughts that pop in my head and kills all the joy. I was bummed I didn’t get a PR, especially with how I was training. The way I pushed myself today, if my body was feeling the way it did on any of those training days, I’m confident I would have crushed the 45:00 stretch goal I’ve had for 2 years.
That thought leads to, “you’ve had that stretch goal for 2 years and started with a 48:18, you should have progressed MUCH more than you have in 2 years”
That leads to thinking about the weight loss journey as a whole. At the minimal “1 pound a week” mantra, I should have been down 104 pounds by now! Instead of the 30ish that I’m at.
Yes, I’ve had injuries, illnesses, and unhealthy workplace situations. But even with that, weight loss is MOSTLY nutrition, and I’ve been mentally weak and let that slide at the slightest bit of adversity.
“You’re an inspiration!”
While I’m venting, right now the phrase that always makes a pit in my stomach is, “You’re an inspiration!” Someone shouted it at me while running today, and it kind of bothered me.
I’m trying hard, and people acknowledging that is nice, but hyperbolically declaring me doing difficult things always has the feeling of…..pity to it, for lack of a better word. Almost a “if this fatass can do it, any one of us can do it!”
I guess, part of it is because in the end, I just want to be normal. I’m doing this SO I don’t get looks on the train, or fear uncomfortable airplane seats. I just want to not think about it, and people making declarations brings attention to the fact that I’m not that.
That’s the root of it all, I think. I don’t feel like I’ve earned the title of “inspiration” just yet. Perhaps another 50 lbs down we can have that conversation, but as a guy that’s averaged 1 pound loss a MONTH the past 2 years, that doesn’t feel like being much of an inspiration.
Also, people assuming you’re doing your first 5k when it’s your 7th, that’s face-palm worthy.
ALSO, PLEASE NOTE: I fully understand this is all part of my negative mentality. People are trying to be nice and they mean well, and I very much appreciate the gesture and the sentiment behind it. I guess I’ve always been bad at taking compliments in general, probably due to lack of confidence, and this is the latest manifestation of that.
Moving Forward
Breaking 35 year old habits is tough, especially when they’re mental ones! Acknowledging it is the first step. So I need to keep practicing in self love, and give myself a break every now and then.
I hope if anyone ever stumbles across this post receives any benefit from it. If you’re having similar thoughts, you’re not alone.
Despite my slow progress, it’s still progress. I have to keep reminding myself of the cliche: you’re not a failure when you fail, you’re a failure when you give up. I for sure haven’t given up, so time to straighten out that mentality and hopefully take everything to the next level.